I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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