According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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