You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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