How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
