wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize