Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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