that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
