You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
