dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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