Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
