i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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