Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
