somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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