My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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