Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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