uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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