Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
