Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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