I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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