i already hear my dad disowning me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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