Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
