i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
