Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
