I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
