R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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