I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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