Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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