John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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