Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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