Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
