You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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