Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
