thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
