I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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