His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
