Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
