I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
