Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
