i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
