Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
