You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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