its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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