walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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