No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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