I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
why do cheetos always look like penises
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
