I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
