Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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