I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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