I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
