the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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