Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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