The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
