No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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