In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
