I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
