I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
