good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
